Two paragraphs from my second humorous novel, the veterans and those who died in vain (Gazilerle Niyaziler)

Despite the north wind, I was as hot as a seagull chasing after its prey. If my best friend hadn’t said, “There’s Ms. Sengul, there,” I would never have guessed that the acupuncturist Emel-looking, jacketed, gathered-skirted and stylish lady could be our dietician. The strikingly beautiful beauty had a lace magazine in her hand, so she was skilled at crocheting lace and interested in different motifs in sewing; the budgie tattoo on her left wrist had faded. A Kamasutra book or a book explaining Taoist sex techniques would suit a monument of clothing of this caliber. I call her a woman like pith; she was bursting with lewdness, striking figure, polished nails, kohl-painted eyelashes, and especially her pink lipstick. I should have prostrated myself before the engineer who designed the rare lip pencil. The swaggering babe had more than the frivolous concubines of the Ottoman palace, she had no less; a man who would seduce her would have to eat mesir paste every day. There was not a gram of excess fat on her firm body, but I will not speak in advance, as I have never seen her naked. She was in her early thirties, brown, with luscious wavy hair hanging down to her waist, her manicure and pedicure were perfect, her sex appeal was pushing the limits, she was wearing a seductive blouse, her breasts looked like anti-aircraft missiles and could excite even mad dervishes. I had become mentally ignorant with the lust of a well-groomed quail. She saw us too, smiled friendly, her thighs jiggled as she approached us. “Hello,” I said, “Honey, where have you been? I was looking for you,” she replied. She looked me in the eye as if she were going to eat me. Her gestures were so informal that I thought sportsman Metin had slept with her many times. I said to Ali Kemal, “Anyway, sift the valuable documents, let our worthless jewel gain value,” meaning you can go now, and I winked at him without letting her know. “Yes, Ms. Sengul, I am listening,” I said, but the airy woman replied, “Come on, let’s meet in my room.” I followed the dietician who was leading the way, may I be sacrificed for the magnificent curves of her hips, she was swaying like a city line ferry sailing in the south-west wind. When we got to the room, my blood pressure had skyrocketed, my pulse was around 150 beats per minute, “Just keep your shorts on, can you lie down on your back here,” she said. I said to myself, “What a strange thing this is, the woman is really into sex, she is really horny, she is going to hurry up the crack, she is going to scratch my balls with my dick. I will take off my underwear like I am peeling off a banana peel, so she can see what it means to dress with a low-cut dress,” and I lay down on my back. The attractive woman gave the impression of a typical saxophonist, I thought she would take off her bustier in a minute and we would fuck, but I was wrong. She attached some cables to my feet, I don't know if they were copper, wire or plastic. I thought the insatiable woman was a masochist, that she used me as a test bed, that she would give me a current to satisfy her perverted passions, and that she would whip me later, but I was wrong in my guess. About a minute passed, "I weighed the analyzer result, your body fat percentage was twelve percent last time, now it's down to eleven percent. There is no doubt that you are balanced with vegetable oil, your photogenic appearance confirms this, you look wiry, congratulations,” he said. “You are a dick enthusiast, you are becoming a bitch, if you had lice in the mountains, you would be skinny,” I couldn’t say; “I follow the program consisting of carbohydrate, protein, mineral combination to the letter, thanks to you I am as thin as a carbine,” I flattered. There was a trick in my nature, I was still hoping that we would make love, that I would probe her very tight vagina. My manners do not allow me to say how vulgar I have become, but as a clue, I will say, “It is a Chinese thing, a Japanese thing, two people doing this, one male, one female, plug and play, finish the job,” so that the wise can understand, and let them mate in jacuzzis with geishas who are not resistant.